|[Poetically Tragic]|

12:45PM - "Umarked Grave In My Heart..."

After awhile... after everything is repeatedly thrown at you at every possible time... you start to believe it all... Every word, every line... everything. I guess it's just me and my inner drama queen; I can't stand to live my life without any drama whatsoever.

And its just like they always tell me: I can't stand to be wrong, I'm spoiled, I'm a pathetic excuse for a family member. "They would be so much better off with out me."

I'm the spoiled one. I'm the ruined one. I'm the idiot. I'm the everything-bad-about-this-family. The black sheep. The one who every one says that doesn't belong. But nobody cares what the Black Sheep thinks, how the black sheep feels.

3:23PM - ..Chyeah. I'm back. (sort of)

a.| Before I start my rant - my laptop is in fucking repairs.
b.| Don't ask HOW.
c.| Everything is my fault.

meh.

I'm sick and tired of it all.
Everyone saying that I'm supposed to be this and I'm supposed to be like that.
Everyone gives me dirty looks - like I'm some evil child and my every move is an evil expression.
They all hate me.
They hate who I am.
I haven't done anything.
All I did was try to live up to their expectations and repeatedly fail.
They broke me, with all their looks and words.
So I gave up.
I gave up trying to be number one to them.
So now I'm trying to be number one to ME, they still make it feel like I'll never be number one to ANYTHING.
I'm a failure and what I do is fail.
I'm a mistake.
A god forsaken mistake.
The black sheep of the family - the entire fucking family.
My friends... heh.
You can tell they don't give a shit.
"...My mother doesn't even talk to me."
"Yeah....."
I don't even say anything about my home life to them, and on the rare moment I do - they render themselves speechless.
But of course.
Everyone has pain.
and everyone is blinded by their own pain to notice others.
Therefore, upon noticing this, I am a effing hyprocrite.
They cast the blame on me always.
I have to bend and fold to their every need and well.
They never give me the benefit of the doubt, I am always simply wrong.
Then on the odd occasion they act like they care with a simple, "Did you eat today?".
Or times when they FORCE me to eat a type of food that I absolutely despise.
They just do things to prove to themselves that they do infact care about my wellbeing when I know for a fact, they could care less.
They don't even realize that someday I could leave and never comeback,
then again, me leaving is a blessing to them.
Hallelujah, right?
...I'm fighting a lost battle, but I'm still pushing.
Though they are all respectable,
I don't want to be like my mother.
I don't want to be like my father.
I don't want to be like any of my uncles and aunts.
I don't want to be like my older guy cousin, who I love and adore,
nor am I the smaller version of my older girl cousin, who is very self-confident and dare I say... a little conceited.
They believe that me - a tomboy of a girl with NO good looks whatsoever - actually has a breeding social life and I do drugs and watch porn like all my other less intellectual peers.
Then again, who would ever believe me?
I am simply wrong.

5:45PM - Graveyard Hearts o0

[Bob]Graveyard Hearts[Bryar] o0

"When your only friends are hotel rooms, 
\hands are distant lullabies,
If I can turn around my world tonight.
These words never seemed so long,
since your paper heart stopped beating,
leaving me suddenly alone.
Will day break ever come?"

The sky was an ominous shade of grey. It lacked sunlight and the heavens brought down a cool, frozen overcast of precipitation. The tree's were bare and cold, as if they were no more than dead, hollow corpses among a field of stone heads and lifeless grass. Just like the pale, porcelain red haired lady that lay frozen on a bed of creamy satin in a wooden case of mohogany red.

Various people watched as the casket lid was closed shut and lowered into the newly dug grave. On her tombstone it would say something in regards to being a loving mother and wife. It would never say how she fought an agonizingly painful battle with cancer and one with her venomous ex-husband. Only the seven year old girl who stood before her mother's grave would know that.

That same seven year old would also be forced to endure the rest of her life with the same man who had treated her mother like she was no more than a common prostitute. Even if she hated him to the very core, she would have to stay with him, because he was all that she had left. There was nothing she could say, and nothing she could do about it. After all, she was no more than a petty seven year old girl.

"Raven." His gruff, worn out voice met her ears. "Get in the car."

She merely nodded and breifly turned to her mother's grave with hollow eyes. She would never see her mother again. She wouldn't have a mother to protect her anymore. She had a father now and she wasn't quite sure he would ever be there for her, seeing as how he was never there before.

"Raven!" The same voice demanded. "Get. In. The. Car."

Without another thought she scrambled towards her father's car, and opened the passenger door. She stopped momentarily to glance back at her mother's grave mourfully.

"Raven."

Quickly and fearfully, the little girl climbed into the passenger seat before another word was said. Her green eyes sparkled with tears as she watched the graveyard disappear slowly from the car window.

.&.&.

Can't find my way home, but it's through you and I know, what I'd do, just to get back in your -

Raven grumbled as many profanities she could in her half asleep state as she groped her night table for her cell phone. She let out a tired yawn and stared at the clock in surprise. Who would be calling her at 3AM in the morning?

Now completely awake and alert with curiousity, she answered her phone.

"Hello?" Her throat felt rough and dry.

"Raven Fox?" a very, professional like voice questioned from the other end.

"Speaking." She managed to reply back.

"This is Heather Farrenwell from Bellview Hospital."

Her eyebrows raised in bewilderment. A call from Bellview Hospital?

"Um... Hello Heather, is there something you want to tell me?" She prompted the lady on the other line for some sort of explanation.

"There's been an, ah, death."

Raven sighed and tucked her jet black hair behind her ear.

"and what exactly does this 'death' have to do with me?" She bluntly asked.

"Um, your father has passed away. We are very sorry for your loss." Raven could imagine how many times this Heather girl had to practice that. It sound so rehearsed. Yet the most depression she could bring herself to feel for this loss was probably less than nothing at all.

"Oh." She said monotonously. "How did he die?"

"He was the drunk driver in a car accident."

Her eyes wandered around her nearly pitch black room boredly.

"...are the other people okay?" She asked curiously.

From another's perspective, it would have seemed that Raven would have rather not known whether or not the other 'participants' of the accident were in perfect health or not. It would be a complete and utter surprise to all that knew her that she did infact want to know if the other people had survied or not. After all, she was quite the pessimst.

"There was one survivor." was the answer she got.

Her mood seemed to lighten with Heather's answer.

"At least someone gets to live." She sighed, almost in relief.

"We were wondering if you could, uh, come to the hospital?" Heather asked her meekly.

Raven rolled her eyes. Obviously Heather was quite new to this whole procedure. Then again, she couldn't blame the girl for her actions. She had to admit, any conversation with her was a tad more than awkward.

"Right," She bit the inside of the cheek before replying, "I'll be right there."

She heard Heather sigh in relief.

"Thank you Ms.Fox." She spoke before hanging up.

Raven fell back into her bed, closing her eyes with a moan. She had only just realized that she had agreed to go to the hospital at 3AM in the morning. She cursed silently in her mind to herself. What kind of idiot would leave the comfort of their house at 3AM in the moring. Especially on a Saturday morning?

She knew that other nights she would be quite pleased with the fact that she actually had something to do at such an early hour. Most nights she couldn't sleep at all and resorted to staring at the ceiling blankly, while listening to the sound of beer bottles hitting the floor repeatedly in the room below her. That night (or rather morning as it would be) she had actually fallen asleep. Perhaps that should have hinted something eventful, seeing as though she never slept at that hour.

She sighed, running a peculiarly small, pale hand through her black hair. She'd go to the hospital anyway. Besides, her father was probably the one who had initiated the accident in the first place, she might as well check on the person that had survived. She always had to clean up her father's messes. Be it alcohol, drugs, or life.

</b>

10:14PM - My Heart Is A Fist

You know what, I'm tired of this. She never does SHIT. She just sits there and takes everything too fucking seriously. I can seriously remember one time I said "EVEN FRANKIE'S SHOES ARE THE SEX" because of a DP i had, and she was all, "I don't think his shoes can give off sex." Well fuck you missy. THEY ARE THE SEX. Like fuck.

Ohhh like the world is sooooooooooo fucking bad. So what if I put myself down. Its how I get my self G O I N G. Oh and words = nothing? Shows how much you know. Do these words mean ANYTHING to you? I thought I loved you, but it was just an illusion. No one that flippin selfish could ever be my friend.

I cant believe I actually thought I was that selfish.

Yeah. So I'm totally swamped with work and it has indeed been ages since I've last been online. *sigh* GAh. I should be working on art homework.

10:16PM - The Heart Is, My Heart Is, Weak.

More than 90% of the time, the heart is right. We're just forced to believe otherwise. We're forced to believe that there is, in fact, no hope, no compassion, no love. But there is.
There is hope, there is compassion, there is love. We're just to blinded by beliefs that have been thrusted upon on us to recognize it. We believe that we're not supposed to believe in the heart.
Why? Because it's not good for us. Believing in your heart is not recommended. You will have no money, no materials, no life. That's just great.
What good is money to your regret? You regret the things that you feel you should've done.
Without love you die, and in society where does love get you? Absolutely no where. Everyone is just out to save their own asses. They don't care about you. They don't care what they say to you. They don't care what they do. They just care about themselves. Stupid soul-less walking, political idiodic humans.
I'm tired of this. I really am. Of thinking I have a whole bunch of people who care, when I'm not even heard amongst them. The people I fucking love have to be unreachable to me, because A) I'm not awknowledged enough to leave the house without five adults. B) Apparently my friends are not important to me and the big one C) No one understands FUCK. Well at least no one around here.
I need a friend. The people I need are away from me. I can't touch them. I have to survive through secret phone calls and instant messages.

3:22PM - Smawhile

Yeah, I know it's been about a month since I've last posted. I was supposed to post something like four weeks ago saying that I was leaving for about three weeks for my cousin's wedding in Guyana, South America. So yeah, I've been in a tropical country for about three weeks and I just got back last year.
Apparently when I was gone we had some MASSIVE snow storms, and there was a collossal one that delayed my flight back here. =/ I'm depressed I missed two snowdays... @__@ I hate the fact that I'm never here for a snow day. Gah.
Oh and on Febuary Sixth, I made my dad go get me the Fall Out Boy album when I was at school. When I got home, I couldn't see it anywhere in my room, so I got completely kaffulfled and worried. I almost cried because I thought he didnt get it for me. Then my mom said he left it in a wall-mart bag on my desk for me. Sure enough, it was there. It was so beautiful. Sooo beautiful. I love it. It totally made up for my sucky Christmas. So blah.
I feel weirdly social today, so I might so something crazy like actually talk to people.... meh.

3:16AM - A Penny For Your Thoughts, A Dollar For Your Insides...

So... I'm not here to actually write about my sucktacular life as always... I think I may just fucking write my heart out today... because I dont feel too awesome.

They sat around the table with identical smirks, cards held closely to their chests in fear another might just sneak a peak. Mikey glanced over at Ashley curiously and noticed that she didn't look as if she was all quite here. She was definately somewhere else, perhaps not physically but mentally. Something was obviously bothering her. She was never so spacey. Or that's what he had managed to deduct from a week of being around her.

Are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you like her? His mind questioned casually.

Mikey shook his head and looked down at the table with a frown on his lips. He liked her? He looked up at her again, studying her movements carefully.

Oh yeah... there's nothing slightly stakerish about that.

Mikey fought off the urge to slam his forehead into the nearest solid object he could find and instead focussed on Ashley instead. This time, her eyes were glancing carefully around the room normally - if he didn't know better he'd say she was checking for someone hidden away. With this new theory in mind, his gaze darted around the room - just as hers had done - taking in every inch he possibly could. He sighed inwardly. No one around.

You're just worried she has someone already.

Mikey glared at nothing in particular. But she didn't have someone already, she had said so herself. Then again... she didn't say if she was interested in someone or not. She was very vague about things she answered... especially when it came to her personal life. Mikey wondered why she kept herself so gaurded. Perhaps she-

His thoughts were broken as Anne slapped an Ace Of Hearts onto the table with a loud clap.

"Come on fuckers," Anne cackled evily to her friends. "Show me them cards."

"Baby, you're so luck that I love you." Steffy commented with a swift roll of her eyes as she placed her card down.

"Don't I know it." She smirked, her eyes flickering towards the card Maria had just placed: two of spades.

Stephanie looked up at Ashley with a hopeful look etched in her eyes. She prayed to god that her partner had a card to beat Anne's, otherwise they were both screwed. Her straight face suddenly seemed to falter for a moment, a slight smile beginning to take shape as she noticed the lopsidedness in her partner's smirk that had developed. They had this shit covered.

She tipped her head slightly towards Ashley, who's smirk had developed into smile breifly before adapting a stony expression. She turned her gaze towards Anne to check if she' d witnessed anything. Anne was too busy staring at her partner expectantly. She too, expected her partner to have a card to save their asses if needed.

Mikey studied the cards carefully before shifting his eyes towards his own cards. So far Anne was winning, so he wouldn't have to try much at all... but Ashley.... Ashley could change everything, seeing as she was the last player to make a move. She could easily accept their current defeat... or pull out something more powerful. He did, yet another, quick glance in Ashley's direction and quickly decided even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to predict her move.

She's somewhat of a mystery, eh?

He slapped a Four of Hearts down next to Anne's Ace and followed suit as everyone else stared at Ashley, awaiting her next move.

Mikey thought she looked rather flustered and for a moment he was sure they'd win the last hand. Then again, he never knew with her. Even as she brought her hand down softly with the card hidden under her palm, he couldn't tell at all. Her face was a replication of a statue's.

They watched as she removed her hand slowly and Anne's moan of 'Noooooooooooo' resounded throughout the room. Stephanie jumped up with an excited squeal.

It was a bloody two of spades. The trump suit, that nothing but a higher trump could beat. Mikey sighed and crossed his arms with a pout, watching as Stephanie practically jumped over the table and hugged Ashley. Ashley laughed excitedly and after breaking away from their tight embrace, he smiled as they broke out in a dance routine.

"You better recognize, bitch!" They cheered. "Rawr!!"

Mikey couldn't help but laugh.

Scratch that, she's a fuckin' enigma.

"Everyone rape Mikey!" he heard someone say, he couldn't tell who over all the excitement.

His eyes widened and he flew off his chair instantly. He wasted no time, heading straight for the bus exit.

"After him!" Ashley cried maniacally. "That fucker stole my eyeliner!"

How did she know that?!!

"Damned straight bitch!" He yelled, hearing their footsteps behind him.

"You're sooooo dead Mikey." Anne cried.

"Uh-Mikey-Um-WATCH OUT!!" Stephanie squealed and BAM!

He found himself eating pavement. Crap.

Hahaha, loser. You FAIL.

Um... random? yes. Did it calm me down a little? Actually, yeah. I used my name a couple well times in there... so what? It's a story, I can make the boy love a character named Ashley if I want to... I should really sleep right now, its a quarter past three AM. Lates.

.&BulletproofLonliness.AtBest.AtBest&.

7:48PM - Thanks For The Memories

I'm quite hungover. I haven't had a drop of alchohol though... don't think I ever will... I just feel blah... At this very moment I have my chin on my desk, struggling to look up at what I'm writing. Before I was in complete and utter darkness (thanks to my extremely dark curtains) and I was actually quite peaceful... There was just something about the dark that brought something out in me... it felt really nice... and relaxing... Then I heard the bubbles popping from inside the tin can of Coca Cola I was drinkin and read something about a haunted house and voila the lights came back on.

I think I would have liked it better if the light was off... Even though the dark scares me. It's a childish fear I suppose... but in reality I really do fear the dark. It's because I have this freakishly strong belief in the paranormal and my house has done enough to prove that it's even the slightest bit haunted. We've lived here for about seven years now... We're supposedly moving sometime this year or the next. But whatever. False truths.

....I want to take off my light so badly... but I'm too afraid. Fuck... I shouldn't have decided to read about the paramour estate this close to night... *sigh* Then again... a day in Winter is almost night anyway. So what difference would it make?

My eyes are heavy and my mind is telling me to write something. But what? I've written so much already... so much. When I was hungover, I wrote some things...

I burn a bridge or two on my way down,
they say 'dont mix the two,
you'll only make it drown'
but what good do I know
what good do I show

I'm miserably happy in my happily miserable town
i'm lacking verbs, sporthing adgectives; nothing more than nouns
to break your heart and make you cry 'oh'
but i dont know
no, i dont show.

i have a million letters to send,
another paper crumpled in bends
forgotten love letters to the ones who'll never find
that place near the lake, so full of divine
where even through you're not quite bright
maybe just a miniscule light
your herat will make it feel alright
you'll make it all but shine

im a disaster hiddle under your broken lamp
lead and paper is all i ever need to have
writing literature of feelings i do not know
im overrated, played out and oh so... old
cant you recognices the look pierced through the eyes
broken, bruised, tormented lies
another mistake to bury with the hatchet
not as innocent as we all hope to think.

My lovely thinks we should actually begin writing our 'album'. Maybe a Pre-Desperatine album... Sigh.

I was just thinking about the past... when I had about four wifeys. Now I have only like... two of them. When we all went to different high schools, I guess it just opened my eyes a bit. I saw who was really my friend... and who was just faking it. One of them started to only call me for favours involving her school, and I usually help all my friends but I know when I'm being used basically. The other one was a whore. You know... the girl who goes from boyfriend to boyfriend to feel special/loved. She was such a flake though... you could tell she was just faking things to fit in with everyone... While the rest of us were mostly honest and tried to be ourselves instead of lives. Well... I don't really care about them anymore..

I have my two other wifeys left and we still talk as much as we can with eachother before being dragged away by parentals and even though we live in seperate parts of toronto. If I wanted to see my wives Id have to spend a good three ours on the sub way. Of all the friends that I thought would last, I didn't actually think we'd make it this far, but apparently we did. I can thank it all to MCR and FOB because it was basically the music that kept us going. We all have this weird passion for music... we even have a couple band names lined up and an album cover.

Well I'll take my leave now... but I probably wont go to bed now...

.&SourBottleBabyGirlWithEyesTheSizeOfBabyWorlds&.

5:16PM - Tragic With A Capital "T"

&Kill All Your Friends&
- My Chemical Romance

...aka... best song ever.
Or maybe that's just me.]
Oops. I just accidentally posted this before I even finished it. Good going ashley... @_@.
I'm supposed to be studying for my geography exam, but you know something why bother? It's not like I'm gonna have to know this stuff to be what I wanna be. The most I'll ever need to know about geography is timezones and how to read a map. Seriously. The School District should really have shit we actually need to learn.

Meh. I'm basically failing geography *Sigh*. I remember when I used to be on Honors. Now my average kinda sucks and it'll only get worse cause I won't be in school for three weeks. Why? Because my parents feel it is justifiable to drag me off to South America to see my cousin's wedding. I love my cousin and all, but seriously, do I really have to go? No one will need me there. I'm already the fucking family outcast. Heh. All I know is that I'm going to be completely bored there.

Oh... have I mentioned why exactly three weeks of missing school will throw off my average? I mean sure, I'd be able to catch up in about a week or so, but that exactly's not it. Every TEST i miss during that god damned three weeks will automatically be a zero for me. Isn't that just lovely? That will fuck up my average big time.

Sigh... I'll just go take a bath or something. Later whores.

10:55AM - Thriller <3

I'm bored... and kind of intoxicated with air. I'm weirdly happy - or that's at least what I told Kevin. This morning I woke up and it was fcking cold man. I love winter and all, the snow, the air... fun times!... but seriously, coldness is not in my like category. For god's sakes I was born in summer, and the most summer-est of months ever (JULY you retards).

Meh. When I'm bored, I look at journals/myspace's of people I have no idea of. Speaking of that, I might sign up for Friends or Enemies... cause I'm THAT bored man. THAT bored.

Uh oh, we're gonna watch our C4D movies now, catch ya later peeps <3.

10:07PM - Cubicles? Far From It.

Le sigh.
I really have no idea what to do. I should really stop daydreaming... I have to accept the fact that I will never have a job I will actually want, and that dreams really don't come true. Why the fuck do I keep daydreaming about things like meeting my favourite bands? Or imagining what I'd say if I was the one getting interviewed with my band. This is seriously fucked up. I can't really be expecting myself to become a musician when I grow up - I'd obviously like to be one... but what if this is just a god damned phase and when its next week I won't suddenly like what I like and do what I do. Fuck. If this is a phase, why the hell has it been lasting three years. Do phases even last that long?

Ah fuck. time to sleepy

9:08PM - Lacking Meaningful Words

When I was little they used to scare me by telling me they'd ship me off to boarding school and that I'd never see them again. I was at least seven and under when they told me this and believe me, I was beyond terrified. I mean, the image of leaving my FAMILY and not ever seeing them again? Fuck, I was only seven, I only had my FAMILY.



Over the years, I think I would have rathered boarding school than here. Anywhere but here. It's so fucked up here. It's all about images. Always. No one gives a fuck about how you feel, how you are. It's all about the money and materialistic objects. [This world is ruled by sex and money. That is how our good for nothing of a race gets by.]



My mom bloody hates me. Apparently she doesn't care. Yeah, she actually said it to my face. Heh. and I thought hearing her say "I'm going to kill her with my own fucking hands, I swear to god." was pretty heart wrecking when I was twelve. She doesnt give a damn.



Apparently I dont either. She thinks that I'm some selfish, ungreatful brat. I really am. I already have an MP3 player and I asked for an Ipod for Christmas, even though I got a laptop for my birthday. But it's okay, I'm over it, I learn that you can't get everything you want. [like a happy family.]



I felt guilty for even asking for the IPOD in the first place because I thought we had some money issues or something, cause I thought my dad was almost going to die because he suddenly started having panic attacks. But no on knew I cared at all, even every time my dad drops me off at the bus stop when it rains I go "Thanks for the ride dad. Be careful when you're driving home, the roads are slippery." No. Ashley only cares about her friends. She doesn't care at all about her family.



She says that what have my friends ever done for me? In my head I can hear myself saying "Comfort, Belonging, Love, Understandy and fucking RESPECT." but I cant say that to her face, can I? No, because she overreacts to everything she says. She says I look at her like I'd like to kill her. Which is absurd, because I look at everyone with the stone face [the kai face] Sure I would, but everyone knows I wouldn't be able to do it. She's my fucking mother.



She says I speak to her like she's some kind of dog and the truth is, I don't even speak to dogs harshly - I don't look down on animals like she does. I give everything I feel that deserves respect, respect. So obviously If I'm speaking to her somewhat rudely, it means I think she doesn't deserve respect. And truthfully, I don't think she does. She always takes my dreams and shoves them back down my throat, hoping I choke on them. Do you know what it feels like to have your own fucking mother not support you in any way?



She threatened to kick me out of the time at least several times now. All times because my room was not clean enough for that of a fourteen year old girl. If she doesn't notice, there are fourteen year old girls who sleep around with guys, and have their rooms faaaaaar more messier than mine could possibly be. She's always preaching how I'm ungreatful when she doesn't know how to appreciate SHIT.



One time, me and my sisters saved up money to get her a friggen birthday gift, because we were finally getting allowance and we loved our mom. We got her this cute little crystalized birthday cake that came in a royal red box, padded with sattin inside. It was so pretty. We thought she'd love it. We gave it to her and she laughed in our faces, telling us it was a complete waste of money.



I'm still the one daughter she hates, can't stand, and I'm worthless. She's right when she says my friends won't help me. I have no one right? Obviously, because most of the time I spend the time being my own best friend... No one fucking understands anymore.



.&IWasntAskingForTheWorld&.

9:23PM - Livejournal = My Haven.

It really is my haven.
Livejournal, if you haven't read the title already.
I haven't written in here in such a long time.
I feel as if I've fucked over my life and I can't do anything about it.
Remember that flash thing? The one I said I was going to loose 20% if I dont hand it in? I've decided I don't care about loosing that 20% and that I'll just stay in during lunch to finish it and hand it in anyway. I'm actually determined to focus on school and forget everything else. Maybe it'll be an improvement in my messed up life.

"We wont stand for hazy eyes anymore"
Taking Back Sunday "You know How I Do"

Sorry, it's just a phrase that's been repeating over and over in my head. I don't know why, It just has.

Hm... I think I'll have to write "I WILL STAY IN FOR LUNCH TIL I FINISH MY FLASH." a million times to get it through, because I'm scared there's going to be something that'll make me skip it. GAH. I'll just have to ask mr.schaffer if I'm allowed to stay, and if he says I can, I'll HAVE to stay. I'll write it with eyeliner on my arm.

GAH. I have to start studying for exams.... god damned exams. *sigh* I'll have to spend this week taking notes on all my subjects textbooks. Le sigh.

On another note, my mother doesn't seem to grasp the reality that no one and nothing can ever be perfect. She expects us to be obedient little dogs that wait hand on foot for her every need. I think she's not quite getting the fact that we're growing up and that we don't necessarily need her as much as we did before. It would explain why she's being such a Witch with a capital B.

I have to go.
i promised myself I'd be in bed by like 10:00 later.

11:05AM - You Know I Hate Lies

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I just fucked up my C4D tutorial.
We're wayyy behind and if we don't get this friggen tutorial done within this week, WE ARE SCREWED.
Because... without the effing tutorial, we cant do our final project (which counts as the stupid motherfucking exam).
...This tutorial is being totally anal!!! @___@ It's built some sort of immunity towards me and holy fck... I AM GOING TO FAAAAIL.
god damn.

10:29AM - School Is Shiet.

Kay I'm at school and I'm depressed again. The only thing that is making me the least bit happy today is that I keep reminding myself about Febuary 6th. THE BEST DAY EVURR! <3 Fall Out Boy's much anticipated NEW CD (Infinity On High) comes out that day and I'm excited. I have been for a while now. Ever since I went to FAll OUT BOY's Site like five months ago and saw the news. =).

Ah... we were supposed to do a god damned story board for cyber arts, but I don't have it today @___@. I'm so dead. Crap. I'll just try to leave as soon as possible.... without being noticed XD.

I'm supposed to be finishing my C4D tutuorial thing, but I have no idea where I am, and I'm too lazy to check. Also, my friend Karen (who usually does the work with me so we're not confused) is not here today and I don't wanna do any work without her. XD Then again, I don't want to fail....

It's 10:35, class doesn't end til 11:20. LE SIGH. I'm so bored.... and I feel all anxious and shit. I have this really weird feeling at the pit of my stomach, but I don't know why.... Maybe i'm scared i'll get caught or something... gah. I just want this class to be over right now... ~____~ I'm so going to fail it. I alreadly lost like 20% of my mark cause I didn't hand in my flash (the mother fucking thing deleted itself) and he's not giving an extension. So bleh.

Someone save me pleeeeaseee! GAAAAH.
@__@ Imma close the window for a while, and PRETEND to do some work.

Argh. My laptop internet is down and I think all the computers in the house are lacking internet as well. This is probably the closest i'll come to having the internet in a few days.

I just read the next chapter of an awesome story and after 85 chapters, the main characters FINALLY kiss. YAY. I can only hope they'll get together.

WAIT! Whats this?? OMG! THE NEXT CHAPTER IS OUT. CH.86!! I shall read it now!! YESSSS!

I finished the other chapter and I started to read a Andy story. It was cute and mentioned something about a game called Dream Phone. It has something to do with calling 24 guys to see which one is your secret admirer. It sounds cute. Lol. I'd have fun playing that with my friends. LMAO. I'd love to see what the guys would do.

Finally its 11:07. Thirteen more minutes. GAH.

Le sigh. Nine more minutes.

...

Well I guess I should go now. Later.... @__@ I'm gonna die..... and I'm gonna die hungry, cold and alone. *sob*

Meh.

GAH. I can't even finish my flippin journal entry in piece. The teacher keeps walking awfully close to my computer @___@. and I have to close it every single time before he sees what I'm actually doing.

AHHH!! Three minutes! Finally! I'll get going now. LATAZ. ^_~

.&AnotherKnifeInMyHandsAStainThatNeverComesOffTheSheets&.
"clean me off, i'm so dirty babe."

10:28AM

Okay. I'll admit it.

I constantly drone on and on about how my life sucks. There are SOME good moments, but to be frank I haven't had any really good ones since July. My uncle died at the end of the month and I was really pissed off, and I never even knew the guy. I guess that's why I was upset. Anyway, I got over it. However, my parents are really into the whole we must respect the dead thing. In their religion, they're supposed to like partay or anything for.... about seven months. So I guess thats why we didn't have a great christmas this year. Well.. at least I didn't.

So in Febuary (the last month) my cousin is getting married and WHOPEE! *sarcasm* we have to go to Guyana, South America. I mean its cool there, but we have to spend three weeks there... and I don't think I'll fit in with the rest of my family there. They all speak with an accent, they'll probably think I'm some sort of city girl or something to that effect. I just know something is not going to work there for me. No one is my age there... no other girl in my family is interested in anything I am. I'm the family outcast. Great huh?

I'll be stuck in a foreign (well not exactly... I've been there about 8 times in my life) country, basically alone (because you know when your parents are back with their sisters, no one gives a damn if your back by 1:00 am) and bored as hell (they wont let me take my laptop when they know I can't live without my music).

8:15PM - Happy New Years.

Does it make me a bad person because I'm alone all the time? I feel like most of the time... everyone else just looks past me, I don't even know why Im like this. I used to be so sociable. Now I can't even go to my cousin's house and make a conversation with me. Then again - he acted like I wasn't even there. I don't even know why I went... Sure, I wanted to see him, because whenever we were all together it was always fun. This time... not so fun.

I feel like no one wants me around these days and the people who do infact want me around... are so fucking far away from me. Everyone I need always leaves.... All the time... and I've noticed my best friends from last year... are no more than just friends. One only speaks to me when she needs a favour - I always feel like a last resort to her now. The other one... she's too wrapped up in relationships and boys to even notice we're alive and dying. I've always felt like she was acting to us. Not to protect herself... but just because she wanted to fool us or something.

There are only a couple of people who are still stuck with me and those are my lovely wives. We still have insanely long conversations, manage to laugh at eachother, make up fantasy worlds and still be honest with eachother. Too bad they're nowhere remotely close to me. I'd have to take like the train just to see them both...

Next year is probably gonna be shit. I'm not looking forward to it... if the last day of THIS year is anything like the next year, I'll die... Today I can vaguely remember being picked on by my cousin and sister - fcking racist idiots. My mom being bitchy to me for no reason - bi-polar fck. My EX bestfriend ignoring the shit out of me at a party. My cousin and sister picking on me again....breaking the B string on my guitar.... cutting my finger trying to fix something... remembering that i'll fail school... remembering how my Xmas sucked balls.... basically it was just shit.

I also noticed how effing anti-social I am. Listen, I'm a nice person, but if you don't want to talk to me, how the eff will I ever be social? Everyone in my family hates me and thinks I'm a black loving goth or something. Meh.

I really am alone. Happy New Years! <3



.&NoIDontThinkLifeIsQuiteThatSimple&.

12:55AM - Real eyes realize real lies

When did I get this way? I havent even realized it as well as I have right now... I used to be so freaking happy. What happened? This can't just be teen angst... I don't have enough of a life to have anything like that....

Im this depressive... over anaylyzing kid... I used to be so sure of myself - so confident- but now all I am... Im a scared, lonely, depressive bitch.

I can't sleep. I've been living off granola bars for about three days now. There's food in my house - I just never look at it. I feel so cold.... why is my room always freezing? Fuck, man.

They took me to the mall today... I got an AP magazine, I was happy when I saw Motion City Soundtrack was on the cover and I love the guitars they list in it... too bad I'll never be able to get one... maybe if I save enough money... BAH! that'll take a good five years.

I've decided to restart my fanfiction workds. I'm going to finish my three stories because I think I need some closure... Truthfully I have no idea why i'm even bothering... Im looking for something, but I dont know what... I can't wait around forever... I fear my 'way with words' will disappear.... and I dont want it to - because i love it.

I guess I'll try to do something to get me to sleep now... later.

.&ThisIsntMeThisIsntYouThisIsEverythingButTrue&.

2:35PM - When You Go... Hey Would You Even - I'll stop quoting MCR Now.

I forgot to-
Oh. My dad just called me to clean up some fucking mess that happened outside. They always fcking do that - interrupt me when Im doing something. *sigh*
My parents were just mildly discussing the Ipod thing.
And my mom goes, why would you need an Ipod when you have a good mp3 player?
Yeah. A good mp3 player that you always neglect to buy earphones for and batteries. It doesnt even hold enough songs. It always wastes batteries in like half a fucking day. It has sucky quality the end. I bought it about three months ago and I swear after about two and a half weeks with it, I wanted a refund - but my mum was too lazy to take it back.
I mentioned that the ipod nano i wanted held 500 songs, and that was perfect for me. My dad said how would I be able to listen to 500 songs in a day anyway? And I was like It's possible, trust me. Because I listen to music non-stop. I dont think they understand how In love with music I am.
It was on sale for $129 (thats saving 50 freaking bucks) and my mom was like no. save your money and then buy it later. My mouth dropped open. It would be at least $150by then. No one ever give me money - for fucks sake I dont even get a fucking allowance. How am I supposed to save money?
I get a dollar a day for lunch at school. That's either only enough for a drink or just a donought or something. Thank god I pack a lunch everyday. Other wise i'd be starving.
I guess they expect me to save up IMAGINARY money. Wow. Do you know how much imaginary money I own? About 6.5 billion dollars. I know. I could buy myself an imaginary house. Just lovely.
I do everything they ask. I get good grades. My room is always fucking clean now. Im tolerant of everyone because I've managed to not say anything remotely hurtful lately. They always take me for granted. All the fucking time.

.&&DespiteAllMyRageImStillJustReadyToCave&&.

2:26PM - Ipod Nano?

Meh.
Theres not much to say if you read the title.
Obviously I wanted one.
All I got for xmas was $60 dollars, two I couldn't care less about books, another GODDAMN EFFING BLACK hoodie and a mofo skull scarf.
Officially, this has been the worst christmas ever.
But I haven't said anything.
Everyone thinks I'm in love with my gifts.
Pfft. DREAM ON.